In my first post I had said that I could say that I have lost everything, but that would mean that I haven’t gained anything and that just isn’t true… I have gained a whole different insight, especially when it comes to my children. Not to mention that getting pregnant came easy to me and so did child birth, in that way I never had to earn my children, but making the mistakes that I have made, I have now earned my children. I think everyone needs to work hard to earn their kids, it gives you a whole other out look in life. Me having to go through DFS, had made me have to work really hard to earn my children, I may not of had to earn them in the beginning, I had to earn them back. I appreciate every second that I get to be with my children. I appreciate being able to read to them, play games with them, tickle them, kiss them, hug them take care of them, and just being able to talk to them and tell them that I love them. I had to go without that for a little over 2 years. I couldn’t even sleep most nights, I would lay in bed and cry and imagine the moment when I would actually get to see them and hug them again. What would I say to them, would they know who I was, would they be able to forgive me for what I had done, would they be able to forgive me for not doing anything on their birthdays or sending them any Christmas, because I was scared and selfish. I hated myself more than anyone could have the opportunity to hate me. I hated myself for the things that I had done when I was using, I had hated myself for the person that I had become when I had been using, and most of all I hated myself for not putting them first ever. I promised myself that when I got them back in my life I would never be that way to them again, yet I have had them back since the end of November, and it was just last week when I caught myself picking money over my children, and trying to justify it by telling myself that if I could only get this check cashed then I would have money to spend on them and they would be happy, but that was wrong. The only thing I managed to do was hurt my nine year old by ditching him when it was suppose to be “our time”, making my 7 year old go with out food for a extra 30 minutes even though she had been hungry and we had already made plans with her to take her to a restraunt where she could go in and eat, and making my new born baby stay in a car and cry even though I knew that she needed to get out for a minute so that I could feed her. While I was rushing down the highway trying to get to the bank before it closed, my 7 year old daughter is telling me “mom I am hungry, and you said that I could go in and eat can we just pull over so you can feed sissy and I can go in and eat.” Not to mention spending all the “cash” that I had in order to rush to the bank that I couldn’t even hardly afford to get her anything to eat. Then she said something that I will never forget… “Mom your picking some stupid money over your children” It was in that moment that I knew that she was right, and that I had better start listening and make sure that I put my children first, otherwise there are going to be prices to pay, at both of our expenses. I won’t lie.. I didn’t like when she said that to me, and I started to get mad at her I realized that I couldn’t cause she was right in everyway and what I was doing was wrong. God sends us miracles in every shape and form, and my daughter was my voice of reasoning and she was a voice letting me know that God didn’t like what I was doing. I knew in that moment that I deserved everything that I got, like the car over heating, and not being able to cash the check when I had gotten there. There was only one problem, my daughter didn’t get to go inside and eat anywhere and my new born baby had to sit in her car seat double long. I was wrong. I learned that day that just like staying clean takes practice everyday, the things that I have learned going through my recovery still need to be reviewed often, or else they start getting put aside.
My Children…on March 14, 2013