livingnowsc

Living Now By SC

Normal?

on March 14, 2013

I don’t know what people would consider normal. I know that I don’t feel like a normal person or more so I don’t feel like the person that I always imagined that I would be. I don’t feel like I fit in, especially in the upper class society. I feel like if I wouldn’t of used drugs, I would of graduated high school, met and married a different type of man, and so forth… Maybe I might have another life. Right now I am almost 30 and I still don’t feel like a grown up. I have troubles paying my bills, I don’t own my own house or car, I don’t really have anything. I am always sitting and thinking about how to make money.. but nothing ever works out the way that I imagine it too. I don’t know maybe there is something wrong with me. I just want to be someone, I want to be someone that people want to be around, I want to be able to go out and feel like I fit in with the people that own their own houses and cars. I want to be apart of that society, but I don’t see those people around me. I am always around the people who have nothing. Whether it be other addicts or recovering addicts, or just people who don’t have anything. There is nothing wrong with those types of people, I just want myself to be better than that. I wish that my addiction would go away everyday. I wish that I didn’t think like I did, I wish I could save money, I wish I could fit in with the healthy minded individuals and I could be apart of them. I wish I got up everyday and put make up on, I wish I had the money to have nice things and nice clothing, I wish I had the money to actually own and have my own car, with the option to buy another one or a new one when I needed one. There are so many things that I want to do with my life, it seems like most days those thoughts overwhelm me, and makes it to where I don’t get anything done at all. Some days I just don’t know where my place is in this life. What I do know is that I am a strong minded person, I like to keep my house clean, I am picky about my children being clean and well groomed when we go out, I am picky about things in my house and always wanting everything to be clean, clean, clean, clean, Maybe its that I feel like if my house feels uppity, uppity, then it will somehow eventually make me myself uppity, uppity. I guess its just all about feeling good about yourself, and maybe my mind set is all wrong. Oh and with the house thing, if I go without my medication that keeps me from relapsing with the opiates then I don’t feel normal. I don’t feel like getting out of bed, I don’t have the energy that I do when I take them, I don’t have the motivation that I do when I take them, I just don’t feel normal, and I feel like my whole life is going to fall apart without them. I don’t feel like I can be the person that I want to be without them, but then I don’t feel like I am ever going to be able to be that person with them… So what do I do? I guess I keep moving forward everyday, just keep stepping in right direction and maybe one day I will start to feel comfortable in my own skin and I will be able to finally figure out the person that I am meant to be, the person that I am suppose to be, and I will be able to surround myself with the people that are suppose to surround me. What I am talking about right here, (I don’t know how many non-addicts, suffer with these feelings and thoughts), I think is a huge reason why people struggling with addiction, continue to go back to it. The recovering addicts trying to find their place in the world is a huge task, and it is the hardest part when you are in recovery. We don’t feel as if we fit in with most people our age, most of the time recovering addicts are starting over and we have nothing, so we don’t fit in with the people that have never been down our road, recovering addicts have a tough time figuring out where they fit in… I want to fit in with the people that have never been addicts, but I don’t right now, the question is will I ever….?

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