I went to treatment today.. Its been awhile since I have been able to get back on my regular schedule of going again… I had a baby at the end of January.. A beautiful healthy wonderful baby and I got to keep her, no one took her from me this time, I got to bring her home from the hospital, I was scared cause I do have one child in DFS and I have been fighting to get her out since she was born in February of 2012.. That is a whole other story for a whole other post. Anyways, I am nursing the baby and it has made it hard to go. I can’t express milk so she can stay with anyone while I go, I have never been able to let down milk for a machine, I can do it for the baby, but not for a machine for some reason. I tried to feed her formula when she turned 6 weeks old, she won’t take the bottle, formula, and the little bit that I did get her to try, she threw up.. So, I have talked to the people in charge of treatment, and they said that I could bring her along as long as I brought some one with me that could sit with her in the lobby. I don’t know why they won’t allow her back in the group room with me, she is a infant and she can’t talk… and I feel that it should be my right as a nursing mother to be able to have her with me so that I can continue to nurse her, plus it helps encourage other women to nurse also. Anyways, I finally got someone to go with me to treatment and I only was able to do a hour, cause the facility where our groups are being held said that the baby and my friend watching the baby had to leave cause they were locking up the lobby and there was no other place but the car for them to go, and the baby does not do well in the car at all, not even when it is driving. So I got to stay for one hour, which is better than none, but during that hour, the counselor running the group, pretty well talked about everything that I had blogged in my post earlier. It got me thinking, I have been going to treatment for a entire year, I pretty much know what recovery is about, I know what my triggers are, I know what the signs of relapse are, and I know what I can and can’t do. I know the ends and outs of treatment by now, so its not really about learning anything new for me, its more about helping me remember what I have learned and the things that I need to remember in order to keep going. A lot of people would have already taken the opportunity to graduate treatment by now, but not me, I feel that it is important for me to continue going, not just for the fact that I still don’t know exactly who I am sober, but maybe for the fact I am still uncomfortable with myself most days. Truthfully though tonight, I learned just exactly how far I have come… Listening to what the counselor was saying.. And I already knew what he was talking about. I know that I have had to forgive myself for the things that I did, who I was when I was high, and what I did to my children. I know that there was a long time that I was mad at myself and hated myself for what I had done. I did have to learn how to laugh again and how to enjoy life. I did have to learn how to forgive myself and how to love myself again. I looked around in class tonight and seen that I was one of the more accomplished ones there and that I am not one of the ones just going cause I have to anymore, because that’s what is required of me with my caseworker and my PO. I am there at treatment now because I choose to be, because I want to be a better person, I want to stay clean, I like who I am becoming, I am able to see the positive side of my addiction and recovery, and most of all I love how far I have come and what GOD has given me back, not because I begged Him (Well, I did beg) But because I have worked hard and earned it back….
Treatment..on March 15, 2013