livingnowsc

Living Now By SC

Whats it Like?

on March 18, 2013

There are many people in the world that do not understand what it is like to be a opiate addict. Then there are people like me, who have experienced it first hand and know exactly what it is like. It is really weird to watch first hand how someone like me can become so easily addicted to opiates and other drugs, and then to watch the man that I have been with for several years, who can take the exact amount that I take, for the exact amount of time, and be just fine when the pills are gone, while I lay in bed and feel like I am going to die. He moves on with his life and his life continues to function, while mine seems to get put on hold and the only thing that I can think about, is where I can get more from, and how I am going to get them. The other difference between the two of us is: When we were using and I had managed to talk whatever doctor into giving me a script of pills (opiates), I would take them and take them.. He can take a few and leave the rest alone, I will continue to take them in massive amounts until they are gone, always striving to get that feeling that I want from them. I will even sneak around to take them, hiding them in my mouth until I can get a drink to swallow them. I know that he doesn’t approve of me taking them in the amounts that I take them, and I have been known to go to Wal-Mart to get a vitamin that looks the same as the pill and replace the pills with the vitamins so that I could have all the pills. It is crazy the lengths that I will go to in order to satisfy my addiction. My counselor says that the best way for someone to understand what addiction to opiates is to have them hold their breath until they feel like they can’t hold it anymore, and then hold it for 30 more seconds. My counselor says that this is the best analogy, because opiates affect the part of your brain that controls your breathing and other involuntary body functions. The only thing that I know is that most people do not understand what it is like to be me! In some ways I wish there was a exact way to explain it, and to show others that way they wouldn’t think of me as “just being weak”, but then again I don’t wish that because the only way for that to happen is for them to actually experience it themselves, and I don’t wish that on anyone. I really hate it when people think that I have more control over it than I actually do. I don’t have control over the way that my body will make its self sick if the wrong thoughts hit me at the wrong moments. I currently take Suboxone to help with my opiate dependence, and it is truly a miracle drug, it helps in more ways then I can even explain, but then is it really helping or is it just taking the place of the opiates.. The jury is still out on that (at least in my book).. I have gone without anything for several weeks here and there over the last 6 years, and even if it has been two months since I had taken anything, when that thought hits me at the wrong time, or I find the bottle that someone else has, or I see someone else taking a pain pill, my head will start hurting, I get sick to my stomach, I feel like I got the flu almost instantly and I know the only way that I am going to feel any better is to find a way to get a pill. I know that most of it is in my head because it takes a pill about 30 minutes or so to kick in after you take it, but all the symptoms go away as soon as I swallow that pill. Then I just have to wait for it to kick in so I can get the feeling that I know is coming. That is the best way that I know to describe it. The Suboxone that I take, makes all that go away… Some will read this and think that I am just plain crazy, and some will know exactly what I mean.. I guess when it comes time to finally do it without my Suboxone, when I start to get those feelings I could always follow my other post “Be a Kid” to get through those moments..

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