I have lost a lot in the past due to my addiction and my struggle with drugs. Over the past year I have worked really hard to get back the most important things that I lost… my children. I could sit here and write a mile long list of the other things that I have lost, but instead let me tell you a little bit about what I have gained. I have gained the knowledge that I am not alone, and that there are others out there suffering from addiction too. I have gained the knowledge that there is help out there and with help, recovery can be successful. There are counselors that understand, and that have risen above and beyond their own addictions to help those still struggling. I have learned that not everyone is a addict, but recovery is much like life itself. For me I feel that going through addiction and recovery I have gained more now, then what it took from me. I heard a song on the radio the other day that was about the hardships and the bad things in our lives, end up being blessings in our lives. I know that when I had my baby in February of 2012, even though I didn’t deserve for Division of Social Services to take her and they didn’t have really any reason other than my past and what had happened in 2010 to take her. Then because they took her it gave me the push that I guess God felt that I needed to stay in treatment, to attend the extra parenting classes, and the push to get back in my older two children’s life. Without everything that has happened to me I wouldn’t be the person that I am today, I wouldn’t know the people that I know, and most of all I wouldn’t know what I know today. It has made me who I am, and it has taken my life in a direction that I never thought it would take. It has made me think more of my future than ever before. The events have made me actually stick with things, where as before I started a lot of things but never stuck with them. The hard things in life are the things that you actually learn from. If you really sit and think about it, the hard things are the things that you learn from, the easy things in life the things that you enjoy, those are good things, easy moments and everyone needs them too, but you don’t learn from them like you do the hard things. The things that make you cry are the things that you learn the most from. I am a better person today than I was before everything that happened. I actually think about the future now, I know that there is going to be a future for me and my children. I still live a lot in the moment, cause that’s all anyone really has. There is no such thing as tomorrow. Someone at treatment said one day, that they stayed clean for 5 years by telling themselves everyday that they would use tomorrow, and then when tomorrow would come they would tell themselves that they would use tomorrow. As you see tomorrow never actually came. It really is amazing the things that I am able to see now, the things that I took for granted before, that now I know can be taken from me just as easy as they were given to me. I cried myself to sleep every night when I didn’t get to see my children.. I couldn’t hardly sleep when I didn’t get to see them. I would stay up all night and just lay awake thinking about the moment that I would get to see them again, praying that nothing happened to them before I actually got to see them again. Thinking about what I would say to them, the things that they wanted me to do with them, that I hadn’t done, because I thought other things were more important than them. I remember that first weekend that they got to come to my house and I got to see them for that first time, I slept like a baby. Before everything happened, I always took sleeping like that for granted, I remember bragging about how easy it was for me to sleep, and then I knew what it was like to never sleep. I took that time to play games with them, read to them, sit and hug them for hours, run around the house and play with them like I was a kid, and just hold them and fall asleep with them in my arms. All my children are special, but I have one that just stands above the rest. I have the one that everyone that has kids should have. I have that extraordinary child that helps me and in a way that I guess only I can understand guides me in a way that I never thought possible for children. In a lot of ways I have been down a hard road, but then in even more ways, those hard roads that I have traveled have lead me to the best place that I could ever imagine being… Here where I am at today!
Learning..on March 19, 2013