No one is perfect in this life, most people are real. The other day at treatment we read in the little daily book, and at the end the question was: I will be grown up by… This got me thinking about being grown up. What is it to be grown up? I don’t really know. I know that life is hard, and gets even harder each and everyday, but somehow or another everything seems to work. After I had been clean for several months things started to finally go right in my life for the first time in a long time, everything just seemed to be falling into place, or so I thought. It took a long time of me being sober for me to finally feel like I was getting somewhere. For the longest time, I felt like I was on a treadmill running as fast as I could to get out of the place that I had come, and it seemed like no matter how fast I ran, everything just seemed in a stand still. Then one day it finally felt as if my life had started moving forward. It seemed to be going forward for a while, and then all of a sudden there seem to be problems that arose, and I didn’t know what to do or how to handle them. I was scared to death, that everything that I had worked so hard for was just going to go away, and I no matter if I wanted to or not I was going to go back to using. I thought that if I stayed clean that everything would just go right, I thought that bad things didn’t happen to those not using. I knew better, but that was what it felt like. I remember crying and asking the counselor why these things were happening to me, I was staying clean, I was being good, and I felt like I was walking the road that I was suppose to walk. The counselor told me: “I follow the road that I am suppose to, I get up and go to work everyday, I go to church and share God’s word with people, I do the best I can in my life, and my life isn’t perfect either. I still have problems, I have bills that I can’t pay sometimes, I have things happen to my car, I have bad days.. No one has a perfect life.” Up until that point I really had put it in my head that all the non addict people in the world, had perfect lives, and if I could quit using then I could have a perfect life too. Looking back on all of it now, I think that it helped me reach to stay clean, and gave me something to look forward to, but it had never been true. I just needed it to help me and I had in someway found it and used it to help me get clean and stay clean. I still want this perfect life that I don’t have. I see myself for who I am, but I also still have unreasonable goals, and thoughts of who I want to be. I just did it that other day at treatment when we were going around and everyone was talking about how they were going to be grown up today by, and then we had to say if we felt like we were where we were suppose to be in our lives. That was a whole other situation, mostly because I am where I am suppose to be right now, and I don’t dislike where I am, but I still want to be other ways also. I still want to be successful in life at something, I want to be recognized for something, I want to help others that have been where I have come from, and I want to be able to buy everything that I want. I want to feel normal, like other people feel when they don’t take anything. I want to not have to take medication in order to feel normal, and not have to feel like super woman everyday. I want to be able to organize my life and stop taking on others problems, and spreading myself to thin. I want my house to be perfect everyday and to stay clean, my children to be happy, my boyfriend to be happy every morning that he opens his eyes, I want to be appreciated for the things that I do, and I want to make enough money not to worry about if anything goes wrong or if I feel like buying something while I am at the store I can buy it. I still think that one day I am going to be right there, even though I know that I really am not. There are some reasonable things that I just said and some reasonable goals that I can achieve, but in the process I have to keep learning and realize that I am never going to have all of that and that I can’t control anyone other than myself, therefore I can’t fix anyone else’s problems, I can’t make anyone wake up happy morning, and I can’t make anyone appreciate me. When we were going around the other day at treatment, all of us had answered the question, and then I asked the group facilitator, what about her, that was where I was stuck again, I always wonder what it is like to not be a addict, and she said: “I am just now going to school and I am 30, you know the way that everyone thinks that it is suppose to be wasn’t that way for me. I didn’t go to school right after high school, I just now am, I didn’t do the “normal” life, but then what is normal. My life is just like yours, I still have problems, I still have issues with money, I don’t always know if I am doing what I am suppose to be doing. I don’t know if I am where I am suppose to be in my life right now, there are times that I still question it. The only difference between you guys and me is you guys do have it a little harder, you guys have the extra factor with drugs and addiction that I don’t have, that’s the only difference.” Then she said something that really hit everything on the head for me and that was.. “I am over weight and do I feel over weight.. NO I don’t feel it, I feel just like I use to before I gained all this weight, the only time I notice the weight is when I am looking in the mirror.” That statement right there is how I feel in life and even about my own weight, her saying that made me realize that me being a addict, doesn’t make me a real person, I am a normal person just like everyone else, and “being grown up” isn’t just about what you have, its about how you handle problems, being able to put your children before yourself, and about being able to see your mistakes and make them better. So yes I am where I am suppose to be for now and as long as I stay clean, I am always going to be a real person, and my life is going to continue to go in the direction that it is suppose to go.
Real Peopleon March 31, 2013