Living Now By SC

It just fits..

on March 24, 2013

I just got done putting my 7 year old to sleep, and laying here with her I realize that it is amazing how my children just fit with me. I was laying half on the bed and half off the bed with her intertwined around me, and somehow it just worked. I know that some will know what I am talking about. It takes a few minutes to get comfortable with my children, but then we find that perfect spot, and once it its found they are usually asleep, within minutes, and I am not far behind if I stay holding them. I have to put them down within a couple of minutes of them sleeping, or else I will be out with them. That’s only part of how my children just fit with me.. They are so much like me sometimes and other times I see a lot of their dad in them. They know how to play perfect with me most the time, they sense when something isn’t right, and they just know things about us. It’s amazing how it happens most of the time. I don’t know if it is the same for a father and his children, if it is the same for other mother’s and their children or not, I just know how it is for mine. I didn’t get to see my older children for a while, when I was having issues, and I couldn’t sleep most nights. The two years that I went without being able to see them, I swear the most that I was able to sleep was 2-3 hours at a time. I would wake up for no reason and falling asleep took me forever, I know that it may sound weird to some people, but some of that right there was a reason that I used for a while. I wouldn’t sleep, but if I used and stayed up for a while, then I could actually sleep for hours when I first fell asleep. I wanted to be able to sleep everyday all day when I didn’t have them and couldn’t see them, but I couldn’t sleep at all. I didn’t realize that by just getting my life together and getting back into their lives I would be able to sleep again, and I do mean sleep. I will never forget the first night that they came to stay with me, I fell asleep within a matter of minutes. I was holding my little girl (she’s 7) and putting her to sleep for the first time in 2 years, and I think I was asleep before she was asleep. I was so comfortable and she just fit, it made sense for her to be cuddled up next to me. If I had known this before, it would have given me another push to get clean faster. I know now that I should have done it regardless, but the cycle of using sucks you in and it is almost impossible to get out for most people. Even when you loose everything, it’s so hard.. I guess for me it was that when I lost everything, it hurt so bad and I didn’t know how to handle the pain and it became easier to use and not to have to think about it then to face it. Then you just keep using because everyday hurts worse and worse and you can’t figure out how to get it back right away. I don’t know but maybe if you could get everything back you lost the day after you decided to get clean, and it would all just come back to you right then, more people would be able to quit and begin recovery. It don’t work that way though, you have to quit using and you have to learn how to handle what hurts, you have to learn how to feel emotions all over again. Learning how to feel the pain that has built up over time, is the roughest part of recovery. That is a huge learning process, I remember when I first started the only way that I got through mine, I had to channel it, I was mad at everyone else, and I guess that it had to be that way. For me I had to sit for hours and think of how to get back at everyone that hurt me, and how I was going to make them pay for it. I would sit and research laws, and read up on DFS, and make them follow all the rules, and call Jefferson City, and report them for anything that they did wrong, I had to channel all my anger in hurt into something else. I was mad at the world and I had to control everything. There were some days that I would call my caseworker and ask her questions that I already knew the answer to just to see if she knew, it made me feel better that she didn’t know and I did. It was just part of it, it was part of what I had to do to be able to deal with the hurt that was given to me. You know what is the most amazing thing, I had no idea about any of this until right now… It just came to me right now typing this post, how I got through those first few months of living clean, and what I did to be able to feel the hurt and handle it. Looking back now I know that my counselors knew this, I remember my one pushing me to read the Art of War.. By Sun Wu Encouraging me to go in that direction, not for any other reason except for they knew that was what I needed to do to get through those first couple months of feeling all the pain that I had tried to ignore for all those years. Addicts that have turned to drugs, have to develop a coping mechanism, when they first get clean to be able to deal with all the trauma that they have caused in their lives for using drugs. See.. this is why everyone in recovery needs to write something.. It helps you understand more things then you ever imagined.. I guess writing just does that, I bet there are a lot of people who blog and write a journal and learn more about themselves writing, then anything they have ever done..

Good Night I feel awesome.. I just learned something new about my recovery…


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