livingnowsc

Living Now By SC

ME…

on March 13, 2013

ME.. I am a mother, a daughter, a girlfriend, and a recovering addict. I guess there will be a lot of people that just stop reading when they see the recovering addict part, but oh well that’s ME! I have been through a lot in the last couple of years, I could say that I have lost a lot, but then I would have to say that I haven’t gained anything, and that isn’t true. Yeah a year ago, I was at the point where I had lost most of everything that was important to me. I didn’t just start loosing stuff a year ago, I had been loosing stuff and its amazing the road addiction will take you down, but its even more amazing the road of recovery will take you up. You get to understand more than most and you become to have a open mind to things that you would have never ever thought of. I have gotten the opportunity to see things that without the road of addiction and recovery I would have never seen and that’s what I thought I could use this blog to help others either see what I have gotten to see without taking the road of addiction and recovery themselves, or to help the millions of addicts out there still suffering with addiction, know that there is a light at the end of the road. I have come along way in the amount of time that I have had clean, I have made mistakes along the way, I have in no means been perfect. There have been weak moments in the journey and a lot of recovering addicts will have a “clean date”, I don’t have one.. Its not that I haven’t been clean cause I have, but I don’t know what the line is on that and what isn’t. I am still trying to justify some of the weak moments that I have had along the way and I am not all the way ready to own up to all of those moments yet, I guess. And I don’t know if I am really clean yet. I was at the doctor earlier and the nurse asked me about my substance abuse, and I am still on Suboxone for opiate addiction and she didn’t bother putting in a “clean date” for me, she left that open and in the notes part she put still taking suboxone. So am I really clean, that’s up in the air. I do know that I continue to go to treatment every week, and I have been going for the last year, my counselor at treatment has told me that I could graduate, but I think that as long as I am taking my Suboxone, I think that I need to be going, and only when I am comfortable enough to be off of it, then should I think about graduating treatment. I am scared of not having my Suboxone, its amazing and I am so afraid that I am not going to be a normal person without it. I don’t want to be lazy and not feel like doing anything, with the Suboxone I have motivation it seems. I don’t know how to explain it, I like having energy, and I remember the times of being completely sober and not feeling like doing anything and always feeling like I needed something to get up out of bed. If there was one thing that I could wish for it would be to be a person that does everything with nothing… I know that some days it feels like I am getting somewhere and other days I am still on the treadmill running and running and not getting anywhere. I am poor and have no money most days, and when I do actually get money I just spend it. I know that I am always justifying things that shouldn’t be justified, and that I really need to grow up and get my act together and until this moment, I really don’t have anything together. Its amazing what you teach yourself when your blogging or writing… I just learned more right now from this first post than I have learned in the whole last year.. This is my life and even though I am clean and not using illegal drugs, I still have to get my head on straight and stop goofing around, I am still hurting myself by not paying my bills, spending money the way I spend it, and not doing the things that I need to be doing. I am still hiding behind other peoples problems instead of fixing my own, and if I keep doing this to myself I am going to end up in relapse. Enough is enough and I am going to start.. NOT tomorrow, but RIGHT NOW… This is ME and I am going to start living today…

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